The Brokenness of My Heart

I have not lived my life seeing things through your eyes.
Your emotions have not accompanied my life’s events.
I have grown to this age while feeling with my own heart
and allowing my own mind to determine my choices.
I have become who I am today by living my life in my own skin.
It is not necessary for me to ask permission from you or to receive your blessing
when making choices in my life.

Your life has been uniquely yours.
Your personality and emotions colored your world
and through your own experiences you have become the individual you are today.
There is no error or mutation in you; you simply are who you were meant to be.
I applaud your glory, your sadness, and your uniqueness for it is you.

We have a shared history.
Though I did not live my life focused on emulating you
and I did not see things as you did
does not mean that my version of my life is wrong.
I am not a person whose existence is an error.
Where I am today in my life, and the events that have brought me to this point
are not incorrect, wrong or were lived to cause you grief.
My life being what it is today was not designed to hurt you or to be a burden upon you. It is merely the outcome of my choices, good and bad, and my interactions with others.

As I have grown, I have had many opportunities to look back on things.
Through years and experiences, I have become aware of the many things
that were malicious and hurtful, whether words or actions, that I was a part of.
I feel bad for the hurt I have caused you and others and I wholeheartedly apologize.

Through our recent interactions, and as your stated,
I now understand that your actions were in direct response to mine.
I do not like that you feel that way about me
but I do not believe that your feelings are wrong.
My actions that had caused those feelings in you are to blame,
those actions are what is in error, not how you feel today,
and I am the one responsible for those actions.

My apology for my actions and hurts, even encompassing the events of my youth, once given will always stand.
I am truly sorry and take full responsibility for their outcome.
Whatever you choose to do with my apology is strictly up to you,
There is no right there is no wrong in what you choose do.

I accept that the relationship of my childhood has died.
I have laid to rest the memories and desires that I once held so dear
knowing full well that pain will accompany the healing process
as the brokenness of my heart mends.
When the dirt has settled and the grave becomes overgrown by daisies and morning glories I can begin again.


About mikkiroderick

With age comes wisdom. With wisdom comes maturity. Maturity is not synonymous with growing up. I'm still a child at heart.
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3 Responses to The Brokenness of My Heart

  1. Mary Demoret says:

    I felt your heart. It is an intense story, it seems like by reading it I felt instant releif of heartache and understanding. Thank you. Mary Demoret


  2. Kathy says:

    WOW! I know someone I could have wrote this for…very very intensely good!


  3. Paul S. Rodriguez says:

    Very nice thoughts and commentary, You touched a corner of my soul.


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